I don't remember much of this dream anymore, but I do remember the gut-wrenching fear.
I was at work at the vet hospital and this guy comes in with his psychotic, two-headed ostrich and it got loose in the treatment area.
We were collectively trying to trap and restrain it, but none of us really knew how to deal with an ostrich. This horrifying image happened at least twice: I'm on the defensive, looking around me cautiously, and across the hospital I see another employee doing the same only as I'm watching, an ostrich head slowly rises up from behind a cabinet or something right next to them and they don't see it.
Pretty much take every horror movie scene where something is behind somebody and the audience sees it before the person does and insert an ostrich. It's seriously creepy.
Friday, December 13, 2013
The Incredible Sulk
July '13
I have the best dreams sometimes.
I have the best dreams sometimes.
Here's the main plot, as it unraveled: Bruce Banner (or at least a Banner-like character) is mutated by gamma radiation and so becomes the Hulk when angry - the love of his life was also in the house and was exposed to the radiation as well. She turned out to be more tragic, though, because she had less control over her emotions and would become a monster at any intense emotion whatsoever. The love between her and Banner was too sad and strong - she had to stay far away from him if she was going to have any chance at controlling her "other guy." She ran with a sidekick, a superhero, who was strong enough to keep her in check when she lost control. He was a companion but never a love interest.
By chance, they both end up at the same show. She sees Banner first - immediately begins transformation out of intense joy, looks to her handler for permission to go embrace her love, which he reluctantly gives. Banner has at this point gained significant control over his Hulk alter-ego and upon seeing her running towards him and transforming, assumes Hulk form so that she can jump into his arms and they embrace, laughing, overjoyed, haven't seen each other in months. It was a Kodak moment. (Remember when "Kodak moment" was a colloquialism?)
Other details: my mom was on overbearing suicide watch, dad and I got stuck in a marching band routine, I tried to play the marimba but a black guy saved me from embarrassment by starting to actually play guitar. I got up to leave since he had given me an out, but was afraid that I would seem like I was leaving because he was black so I made sure to lovingly pat his kid's shoulder as I went past.
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Miscarriage
I'm at work and there's something urgent and horrifying happening around the dental table. I see Deanna, one of the technicians, she's scrubbed in and everything but is sobbing, which makes me think it isn't an animal that they're working on. There's a loud honking alarm going off that I've never heard before - it's obviously from a human hospital.
I see the face of a dying human infant on the table. It is pale and deformed, underdeveloped.
I know in my gut what is going on before anyone tells me, but I don't believe it until someone explains. Deanna miscarried her baby at work and Dr. Shanti is trying to save it. Despite her best efforts, it is crashing.
Suddenly, everyone around the table and mess of machinery cheers - they have a heartbeat from the baby. I'm amazed - the fact that a veterinarian could revive a premature human infant using only the resources available at the vet hospital was astounding. Dr. Shanti must have been the best of the doctors, since she was the one chosen to work on the child.
As this was going on, the other assistants and I were conflicted, cautiously continuing to go about our business as the catastrophe unfolded in the middle of the treatment area. Whenever an animal crashes or there's an emergency, it seems to be the thing to do to continue as if nothing is happening, staying out of the way being the best way any of us assistants can contribute. But on the other hand, this was different than business as usual - this was a human life, the child of one of our co-workers. Deanna was recently married and she and her husband have been trying to get pregnant - I hear her talking about it all the time.
The success does not last - it was unlikely that it would. They lose the baby again, and this time cannot revive it. The baby dies on the dental table.
I feel horribly uncomfortable, never quite knowing how to act around the grieving. I feel extra pressure, since Dr. John Krieger is there and he's quick to judge me for being anxious and timid. Dan is there, too, and we're in another room, but I don't know how to act so I just do my usual goofy stuff that I do with him and he plays along, although it's obvious that we're both uncomfortable and have no clue what to do.
Deanna is crying in treatment, nobody has been able to be of any help or comfort for her - she keeps shrugging away from anyone who tries to comfort her. I retreat to the back hallway so as not to have to watch her hysteria. To my surprise, Deanna walks out into the empty back hallway shortly after, having needed to escape the situation herself. I don't know how to act towards her, I don't want to be patronizing or too sympathetic, since she's being bombarded with that sentiment on all sides. I tend to prefer normalcy to sympathy myself. I greet her as I would normally, and she replies with equal casualness, her sobs subsided, a sense of numbness setting in. After a moment of agonizing, I wrap my arms around her in a bear hug, which is a risk I have decided to take, since historically I'm not good at dealing with the reaction to misguided attempts at comfort or comoraderie - I avoid these situations especially because in the past I have shed embarrassed tears over my bruised feelings after trying and failing to help someone who is upset. The shame of crying over something like that was the worst feeling.
Fortunately, Deanna finally accepted an embrace. She wrapped her arms around me, too, and I rubbed her back while we held onto each other.
I couldn't help but feel good that I had done something right when nobody else was able to do anything for Deanna - especially when Dr. Krieger walked past the two of us embracing.
Deanna decided she was going home even though her husband wasn't home from work yet. She put on her coat, but stalled instead of leaving, which made sense to me, because I'd rather stay and distract myself with work than sit alone at home with nothing to do but grieve. I was trying hard to make sure I didn't overstay my welcome comforting her.
She kept asking things like, "What do I do now?" and "Now what?" and "I don't know what I'm supposed to do." I knew that she was not asking for an answer about the mourning process, she was asking out of sad desperation how she could help her infant. I could hear the resignation in her voice, but I also knew that she hadn't accepted yet that the baby was dead and felt awful that I couldn't give her answers. At that point, when I was having to come up with things to say in answer to her questions or ways to step around them, I was getting uncomfortable and wanted to pass her off to someone else before she got sick of me and I started doing more harm than good.
I was leaving, too. I got in my car and Deanna got in hers and I began driving down to some specific destination. I remember that I needed to use the bathroom as soon as I got there, wherever I was going.
Unfortunately, on my way, traffic slowed to a stop and I pulled over to the side of the road with a handful of other drivers, seeing emergency vehicles and a road block. I got out of my car and went to try and see what was going on. Instead, I saw a middle-aged woman walk past the subject of the road block, look directly at it, and hurry past, her hand over her mouth in horror. I leaned far enough that I could see paramedics bent over a man who was slumped on the pavement, but not far enough to see the wounds that had nauseated the passing woman.
Tired from the trauma of the day at work, I decided to walk downtown and find somewhere to pee rather than staying to witness another tragedy. An older woman pointed me in the right direction. That was pretty much where it ended.
I see the face of a dying human infant on the table. It is pale and deformed, underdeveloped.
I know in my gut what is going on before anyone tells me, but I don't believe it until someone explains. Deanna miscarried her baby at work and Dr. Shanti is trying to save it. Despite her best efforts, it is crashing.
Suddenly, everyone around the table and mess of machinery cheers - they have a heartbeat from the baby. I'm amazed - the fact that a veterinarian could revive a premature human infant using only the resources available at the vet hospital was astounding. Dr. Shanti must have been the best of the doctors, since she was the one chosen to work on the child.
As this was going on, the other assistants and I were conflicted, cautiously continuing to go about our business as the catastrophe unfolded in the middle of the treatment area. Whenever an animal crashes or there's an emergency, it seems to be the thing to do to continue as if nothing is happening, staying out of the way being the best way any of us assistants can contribute. But on the other hand, this was different than business as usual - this was a human life, the child of one of our co-workers. Deanna was recently married and she and her husband have been trying to get pregnant - I hear her talking about it all the time.
The success does not last - it was unlikely that it would. They lose the baby again, and this time cannot revive it. The baby dies on the dental table.
I feel horribly uncomfortable, never quite knowing how to act around the grieving. I feel extra pressure, since Dr. John Krieger is there and he's quick to judge me for being anxious and timid. Dan is there, too, and we're in another room, but I don't know how to act so I just do my usual goofy stuff that I do with him and he plays along, although it's obvious that we're both uncomfortable and have no clue what to do.
Deanna is crying in treatment, nobody has been able to be of any help or comfort for her - she keeps shrugging away from anyone who tries to comfort her. I retreat to the back hallway so as not to have to watch her hysteria. To my surprise, Deanna walks out into the empty back hallway shortly after, having needed to escape the situation herself. I don't know how to act towards her, I don't want to be patronizing or too sympathetic, since she's being bombarded with that sentiment on all sides. I tend to prefer normalcy to sympathy myself. I greet her as I would normally, and she replies with equal casualness, her sobs subsided, a sense of numbness setting in. After a moment of agonizing, I wrap my arms around her in a bear hug, which is a risk I have decided to take, since historically I'm not good at dealing with the reaction to misguided attempts at comfort or comoraderie - I avoid these situations especially because in the past I have shed embarrassed tears over my bruised feelings after trying and failing to help someone who is upset. The shame of crying over something like that was the worst feeling.
Fortunately, Deanna finally accepted an embrace. She wrapped her arms around me, too, and I rubbed her back while we held onto each other.
I couldn't help but feel good that I had done something right when nobody else was able to do anything for Deanna - especially when Dr. Krieger walked past the two of us embracing.
Deanna decided she was going home even though her husband wasn't home from work yet. She put on her coat, but stalled instead of leaving, which made sense to me, because I'd rather stay and distract myself with work than sit alone at home with nothing to do but grieve. I was trying hard to make sure I didn't overstay my welcome comforting her.
She kept asking things like, "What do I do now?" and "Now what?" and "I don't know what I'm supposed to do." I knew that she was not asking for an answer about the mourning process, she was asking out of sad desperation how she could help her infant. I could hear the resignation in her voice, but I also knew that she hadn't accepted yet that the baby was dead and felt awful that I couldn't give her answers. At that point, when I was having to come up with things to say in answer to her questions or ways to step around them, I was getting uncomfortable and wanted to pass her off to someone else before she got sick of me and I started doing more harm than good.
I was leaving, too. I got in my car and Deanna got in hers and I began driving down to some specific destination. I remember that I needed to use the bathroom as soon as I got there, wherever I was going.
Unfortunately, on my way, traffic slowed to a stop and I pulled over to the side of the road with a handful of other drivers, seeing emergency vehicles and a road block. I got out of my car and went to try and see what was going on. Instead, I saw a middle-aged woman walk past the subject of the road block, look directly at it, and hurry past, her hand over her mouth in horror. I leaned far enough that I could see paramedics bent over a man who was slumped on the pavement, but not far enough to see the wounds that had nauseated the passing woman.
Tired from the trauma of the day at work, I decided to walk downtown and find somewhere to pee rather than staying to witness another tragedy. An older woman pointed me in the right direction. That was pretty much where it ended.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Three Stands Alone
It's either "I am Number Four" or "Buffy" or both, there are ten people and we're numbered 1-10 and I'm number 7 and the only two of us left trying to survive are 3 and 7. And the only way one of us can survive is by killing the other, but I don't know where 3 is and she knows where I am.
All of this played out like deja vu, I knew what was going to happen in this weird way.
Kevin came over to my house, we were chatting, he tells me he still has feelings for me. I say, I'll always love you, too, but we don't go together. Mine was more of a "Oh, well, you'll always have a special place in my heart, but..." I was thinking of Connor. Kevin got upset and said that I need to stop texting him and calling him (which I literally do maybe once every six months but I guess in the dream it was more frequent) because it was torturing him. I was sad because Kevin is a good friend, but reluctantly agreed. The problem remained that we were still in the same class, because apparently we were attending a college that was set up like an elementary school? I don't know. We were in the same class.
Then Kevin and I are in a Catholic church and everyone's getting up to take communion when it turns into a surreal, Tim Burton-esque scene after an elderly couple dies and then reappears as a pair of ghouls, and then we all swing danced with dead people. (Told you.)
Somehow I knew this was foreboding for me.
As we're filing back into our classroom, I identify No. 3, my to-be murderer, and see that she's holding a handgun in plain sight. Nobody else has noticed. I could run or try to hide, but something tells me that it's supposed to happen this way, so I just file in and take my place in the rows of students, directly in front of her.
It's not until she presses the gun to the back of my head that anyone else notices - everyone falls silent and 3 gives some monologous speech about being the victor and conquering me, et cetera. She's waiting, and I realize what she's waiting for - the students are still filing in and Kevin has not entered yet, and she wants him to watch.
The two rows of people in front of me are staring at me with horror and pity and it suddenly occurs to me that when 3 shoots me through the back of the head, the contents of my head are going to splatter all over them. I feel really bad because that will be traumatic and horrible, so I told them I was sorry in advance for splattering my brains on them, but I didn't say splattering my brains on them, I said I was sorry in advance and then trailed off and then mimed with my hands my brain contents being flung at them. I kind of tried to smile or laugh because I wanted to cheer them up, but my face disobeyed me and I ended up grimacing instead, like when you're going to cry even though you're trying really hard not to and your mouth just pulls down at the corners whether you want it to or not.
Then, Kevin walks through the doorway. 3 gives him just enough time to see us, then pulls the trigger and I'm dead.
The professor, a middle-aged woman, starts freaking out and trying to get to 3 to restrain her, but she knocks the teacher out. 3 started out asian, but now she's white with long light brown hair and she's wearing a sophisticated tweed dress and long gloves. Then she makes everyone give her money and promise not to identify her as the shooter or she'll get them, too, and now that she's the only one of the 10 who's alive so she's the victor, she has special slayer powers and everyone's terrified of her so they do everything she asks.
All of this played out like deja vu, I knew what was going to happen in this weird way.
Kevin came over to my house, we were chatting, he tells me he still has feelings for me. I say, I'll always love you, too, but we don't go together. Mine was more of a "Oh, well, you'll always have a special place in my heart, but..." I was thinking of Connor. Kevin got upset and said that I need to stop texting him and calling him (which I literally do maybe once every six months but I guess in the dream it was more frequent) because it was torturing him. I was sad because Kevin is a good friend, but reluctantly agreed. The problem remained that we were still in the same class, because apparently we were attending a college that was set up like an elementary school? I don't know. We were in the same class.
Then Kevin and I are in a Catholic church and everyone's getting up to take communion when it turns into a surreal, Tim Burton-esque scene after an elderly couple dies and then reappears as a pair of ghouls, and then we all swing danced with dead people. (Told you.)
Somehow I knew this was foreboding for me.
As we're filing back into our classroom, I identify No. 3, my to-be murderer, and see that she's holding a handgun in plain sight. Nobody else has noticed. I could run or try to hide, but something tells me that it's supposed to happen this way, so I just file in and take my place in the rows of students, directly in front of her.
It's not until she presses the gun to the back of my head that anyone else notices - everyone falls silent and 3 gives some monologous speech about being the victor and conquering me, et cetera. She's waiting, and I realize what she's waiting for - the students are still filing in and Kevin has not entered yet, and she wants him to watch.
The two rows of people in front of me are staring at me with horror and pity and it suddenly occurs to me that when 3 shoots me through the back of the head, the contents of my head are going to splatter all over them. I feel really bad because that will be traumatic and horrible, so I told them I was sorry in advance for splattering my brains on them, but I didn't say splattering my brains on them, I said I was sorry in advance and then trailed off and then mimed with my hands my brain contents being flung at them. I kind of tried to smile or laugh because I wanted to cheer them up, but my face disobeyed me and I ended up grimacing instead, like when you're going to cry even though you're trying really hard not to and your mouth just pulls down at the corners whether you want it to or not.
Then, Kevin walks through the doorway. 3 gives him just enough time to see us, then pulls the trigger and I'm dead.
The professor, a middle-aged woman, starts freaking out and trying to get to 3 to restrain her, but she knocks the teacher out. 3 started out asian, but now she's white with long light brown hair and she's wearing a sophisticated tweed dress and long gloves. Then she makes everyone give her money and promise not to identify her as the shooter or she'll get them, too, and now that she's the only one of the 10 who's alive so she's the victor, she has special slayer powers and everyone's terrified of her so they do everything she asks.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Foster-Baby-Elephant-Walrus-Russ
A baby elephant was admitted into the Sparky Fund and I was trying to get clearance to foster it. BECAUSE HOW AMAZING WOULD THAT BE? AN ELEPHANT? LIVING IN MY HOUSE? I could come up with so many puns for this.
I wanted him to have a really cool name so I could post a picture of me and him on Reddit and get a shit ton of karma, but some idiot in the Sparky Fund named him "Walrus" when I wasn't there.
This was horrifying to me and I spent a long time contemplating a solution before happening upon the incredible revelation that I can just refer to him as "Russ."
I spent the rest of the dream bargaining with my mother to try and get her to let me bring Russ home. I came up with several crazy ideas including a scenario in which I lived in the bathroom and slept in the bathtub and Russ got my whole room to himself.
A compromise was not reached before I woke up, but I did spend a good two minutes upon waking up still under the delusion that I was going to be bringing home an elephant.
This was actually strangely coincidental. About a month later I got an email telling me that I was accepted into the Elephant Nature Park volunteer program for this summer, overseas in Thailand. Only two weeks, but it's all I could afford through ISV. I'm excited on this strange level where I don't want to express it because I'm still not sure it's real, like I'm not really going to believe it's happening until I'm literally standing there touching an elephant. Like a weird sort of shock. This could be my future. This could be my foot-in-the-door of travelling, researching, and animal conservation. Or it could be two awesome weeks with elephants and that's it. I'm cool with either scenario. Here's the park in question, if anyone's interested in donating or just checking them out. You can read about all of the members of the herd and their stories - it's basically a giant elephant version of the Sparky Fund. Which you can also read about on the link below the elephant one. Both are great causes for amazing animals.
Elephant Nature Park in Chiang Mai, Thailand
The Sparky Fund
I wanted him to have a really cool name so I could post a picture of me and him on Reddit and get a shit ton of karma, but some idiot in the Sparky Fund named him "Walrus" when I wasn't there.
This was horrifying to me and I spent a long time contemplating a solution before happening upon the incredible revelation that I can just refer to him as "Russ."
I spent the rest of the dream bargaining with my mother to try and get her to let me bring Russ home. I came up with several crazy ideas including a scenario in which I lived in the bathroom and slept in the bathtub and Russ got my whole room to himself.
A compromise was not reached before I woke up, but I did spend a good two minutes upon waking up still under the delusion that I was going to be bringing home an elephant.
 |
| This is Chang Yim, a baby elephant living in the Elephant Nature Park mentioned below. I might nickname him Russ. |
This was actually strangely coincidental. About a month later I got an email telling me that I was accepted into the Elephant Nature Park volunteer program for this summer, overseas in Thailand. Only two weeks, but it's all I could afford through ISV. I'm excited on this strange level where I don't want to express it because I'm still not sure it's real, like I'm not really going to believe it's happening until I'm literally standing there touching an elephant. Like a weird sort of shock. This could be my future. This could be my foot-in-the-door of travelling, researching, and animal conservation. Or it could be two awesome weeks with elephants and that's it. I'm cool with either scenario. Here's the park in question, if anyone's interested in donating or just checking them out. You can read about all of the members of the herd and their stories - it's basically a giant elephant version of the Sparky Fund. Which you can also read about on the link below the elephant one. Both are great causes for amazing animals.
Elephant Nature Park in Chiang Mai, Thailand
The Sparky Fund
Saturday, March 23, 2013
The Saddest Dream Ever
I had a dream that Adam Devine (of Workaholics) died.
It turned out to just be a rumor.
Which I found out while frolicking around on a dock with him and Blake, and Ders.
Which was really fun.
I'm glad he isn't dead.
It turned out to just be a rumor.
Which I found out while frolicking around on a dock with him and Blake, and Ders.
Which was really fun.
I'm glad he isn't dead.
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Guy with face burned off
I'm playing a character
Character has adult gay dude friend
Gay dude friend gets in car accident, stumbles out of car, his pants are on fire but no one notices.
My character sees the fire and chooses to ignore it.
Another civilian is on fire, me and another guy immediately react to it with emergency procedures, thus proving that I was totally capable and willing to save a burning person but had consciously chosen not to with my gay friend.
After being left burning long enough, the fire spread very suddenly and completely engulfed my gay friend. He began screaming, people ran over from all directions, but he was burning and they couldn't stop it. I watched his skin burn off and he crumpled to the ground, his skeleton showing through his charred body. People were unsure what to do to help him, they had no fire blanket or water or extinguisher. Someone tried to support his head as he collapsed, engulfed in flames, but as soon as they touched his charred neck, his head fell off and thudded onto the ground. It was horribly disturbing.
Later on, I resumed my role and was suddenly swept upon by a cloaked villain, who was out for vengeance upon me.
The twist was pretty obvious, the cloaked villain eventually revealed a flash of his face, which was a strange, orange and red mask that was obviously covering some sort of deformity. I realized it was my gay friend I had allowed to burn to a crisp and die right in front of me. I kind of laughed sheepishly at the realization that my character was kind of screwed and also a jackass. Then me and everyone else around me got in order based on height.
Character has adult gay dude friend
Gay dude friend gets in car accident, stumbles out of car, his pants are on fire but no one notices.
My character sees the fire and chooses to ignore it.
Another civilian is on fire, me and another guy immediately react to it with emergency procedures, thus proving that I was totally capable and willing to save a burning person but had consciously chosen not to with my gay friend.
After being left burning long enough, the fire spread very suddenly and completely engulfed my gay friend. He began screaming, people ran over from all directions, but he was burning and they couldn't stop it. I watched his skin burn off and he crumpled to the ground, his skeleton showing through his charred body. People were unsure what to do to help him, they had no fire blanket or water or extinguisher. Someone tried to support his head as he collapsed, engulfed in flames, but as soon as they touched his charred neck, his head fell off and thudded onto the ground. It was horribly disturbing.
Later on, I resumed my role and was suddenly swept upon by a cloaked villain, who was out for vengeance upon me.
The twist was pretty obvious, the cloaked villain eventually revealed a flash of his face, which was a strange, orange and red mask that was obviously covering some sort of deformity. I realized it was my gay friend I had allowed to burn to a crisp and die right in front of me. I kind of laughed sheepishly at the realization that my character was kind of screwed and also a jackass. Then me and everyone else around me got in order based on height.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
I just purple myself
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The 2nd installment of My Mom's Dream - we take our dog Chewy to strange new veterinarian, go to pick him up later and he's purple. Mom gets upset, asks what they did to him, they act like nothing's wrong and insist that he's fine.
The clear issue that my mom is struggling with here is the fact that a while ago, Chewy was attacked by a bullmastiff and had to have stitches and a drain tube in his neck. Since then he's been showing new signs of dog aggression and it's been very difficult for my mom.
See (not really very) graphic photos below of said injury.
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