30 Rock? Anyone? Anyone? Okay, fine.
Well, the dream started out in the best way possible, I was kidnapped by Hitler. (There were several hilarious and very offensive Hitler jokes I could have posted here including a particularly vicious one about Mengele, but I wimped out. Or showed some wise restraint, depending on your point of view.)
I've actually had several dreams with Hitler in them before, i.e. Nazis were searching for my family and I was hiding in my Grandma's bathroom, or the time that my French class was being sorted into groups for a concentration camp. Who can blame me? Hitler's scary as hell.
Anyway, there was no fear-filled pursuit in this dream, I had just already been captured. Along with a group of random family and friends, none of whom I remember specifically, I was herded down a bunch of dark ramps to wherever we were being taken. The strangest part of the whole journey down ramps was that there were several Nazi guards along the way but they were all middle school boys. (They may or may not have been the Chang-Glorious Bastards. I tend to mesh life with television sometimes. JUST LIKE ABED ZOMG.)
I wasn't afraid at this point, I was actually being a huge idiot. I was exaggeratedly goose-stepping down the ramps and barking "HEIL HITLER" at each guard in a dopey voice while making a face and giving a very aggressive "Heil" gesture. At one point someone offered me ice cream and I declined. (Hey, it's my dream. Hitler can give out ice cream if I want him to.)
We finally ended up at the end of the whole ramp-maze, in a large room that was not particularly relevant to the plot at all. The function that the room
served, however, was reminiscent of an American airport but with more of a Hitler-y feel to it, people were being searched to the extreme. We're talking random strip searches and unfortunately, the occasional full body cavity search.
Of course, since this was a dream and nudity was involved, I was going to end up nude and uncomfortable at some point. As I stood stoically in the line for searches, the old man in a suit that was going through my line grabbed a guy in front of me, who turned out to be The Todd from Scrubs, and said he was going to strip search him. I thought about how very lucky it was that the one dude who would probably be completely okay with being fully exposed in front of a ton of strangers was the one who had been randomly selected, I believe he may have high-fived either myself or the old man at some point. Since my sub-conscious apparently couldn't rationalize a better way to twist the situation so that I was the one in the nude, so I just magically replaced Todd as the poor bastard who had to strip down.
Once I was completely unclothed, I guess the old man still found me suspicious because he decided to do a cavity search. Just wait, this keeps getting more awkward.
I had to stand with my hands against a wall, pat-down style, and then the old man pulled out this hair-dryer-looking-thing and started shooting air all up in my cavities. Which I suppose is better than his hand/face. But there was a lot of... flapping around of body parts and everyone in line was watching. It was less of an embarrassing situation and more of a shaking-my-head-at-how-ridiculous-this-is-and-laughing-because-I've-stopped-caring.
Fortunately before I could discover the wonders of wherever Hitler was planning on keeping us, (I have an educated guess.) I found myself at a family gathering at my house.
Speaking of my house, it was really really cool in my dream. We had all these random added rooms that we don't actually have and they were painted strange colors and had little reading nooks and I believe there was a cool bathroom somewhere in there, too.
There were a couple brief snippets of something, I'm pretty sure one involved poop (but I did NOT shit myself in my sleep) but the first situation I remember clearly was my mom and I sitting in the living room. We were talking about how and when we should tell my dad's mom, G'ma Leta, that I have tattoos. (Not actually worried about that. At least my awake self isn't.) G'ma Leta is generally a cool lady who takes things in stride, so we weren't stressing out about it, just pondering. However, as we got onto the subject, I realized my mom's mom, G'ma Lois, was sitting behind us and had heard what we were talking about and was both confused and horrified. (She's the one who would get upset, not G'ma Leta.) She was flustered at first and asked me if I got "that awful scar on my arm" tattooed over. (I have a maybe quarter-sized scar on my right upper arm from getting a mole removed. It's not even noticable.) Regardless of how ridiculous that idea was, I seized the opportunity to stay written into her will and reassured her that yes, I had simply tattooed over my horrible scar.
After that exchange, I told my family that a new love interest was going to stop by and visit later, which was met by harsh criticism and judgement by Theresa, an LVT who works with me. I don't know why she was related to me in my dream, but I'm sure as hell glad she isn't in real life. When the love interest showed up, I think we did a pretty effective job of scaring him away, and at the end of the dream he turned into a black cat, who sat on my lap. I said something about him being a cat and my mom said something like, "Oh, thank god she finally realized he's a cat." As if the whole time I'd been hanging out with a cat and having some sort of psychotic episode that the cat was an attractive young man.
I'm going to be finding out shortly if the love interest is actually a cat or not. Fingers crossed.
